I never thought he was actually going to die.   I don’t think any of us did.  I thought flying up every week from LAX to SMF was enough.   He was going to beat it.  He recovered just fine from the first round of chemo.  Of course we were wrong.  And of course I wish I had more time with him.  2 memories are painfully vivid:

1. Easter was the last time my dad was relatively healthy.  He looked like himself. We celebrated like we always do. We ate our hearts out and partied.  My parents love loved parties.  I was in such a rush to get back to LA.  We drove.  We wanted to beat the holiday traffic.  He stood outside in the driveway with my mom and waved at us while we pulled out.  I looked back and he was still waiving.  That was the last time I saw my dad healthy.  I wish I wasn’t in such a fucking rush…
2. MPS, LB, Shiny and I visited my dad at the nursing home.  I hate hospitals.  I hate nursing homes.  I wanted to get the fuck out of there.  It just made me feel ill.  My dad must have been lonely.  But we (LB, Shiny & I) had plans to go to dinner and MPS had to get back to his cracked out corporate life.  So our visit was quick.  My dad asked us to stay longer.  I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back.”  I wish I wasn’t in such a rush…  It doesn’t matter that I came back the next day, I wish I had more minutes with him.

I have regrets.  I wish I had gone to my dad’s side the second I found out the cancer came back and never left until he passed.  My dad moved to NoCal in September 2004 because I moved to SF in May 2004 and I was able to see him all the time before I moved to LA.  LA to Bay is no thing.  A quick flight.  A 6 hour car ride. We drove up just to visit the family and chill almost every other month.

I found out today that Shiny’s dad is in the hospital.  He has about a week left.  I immediately thought — what if my mom was in the hospital in critical condition.  Living out on the East Coast, I’ll see my mom twice a year.  If she died, I would be paralyzed by regret.  She moved out to Cali to be with me and I left.  That’s not cool.  I don’t want to spend my life missing my entire family. Twice a year simply isn’t enough. Tubby and Bubby will never know the awesomeness that is my dad, but I sure as hell won’t have them missing out on my mom, my brother, MPS’s parents and brother.

I want to go home.

I researched jogging strollers like a psychopath when I was pregnant.  I wanted a lightweight stroller that I could push with one hand, it would fit through a regular door, fit on the subway/public transportation, perfect for city walking and hiking and be my one and only stroller.  The final showdown was between the Bob Revolution Dualie and Mountain Buggy Urban Duo.

Is my stroller too fucking big?  Will I fit through subway/metro gates?

Mountain Buggy Urban Duo is 29 inches wide and Bob is 31″.  What the fuck would I do if I couldn’t get through a single door with infant twins in my stroller?  Put my babies on the floor while I fold up my stroller???

When can I push newborns in a jogging stroller?

Technically, you shouldn’t put an infant in a jogging stroller until they’re at least 8 weeks, so they say. That’s not cool.  Does that mean I need 2 strollers??  One for 0 to 8 weeks and one for 8 weeks+?? Stupid.

Only one infant car seat can fit in either the Mountain Buggy Duo or Bob Duallie after buying some gizmo that attaches one car seat to the stroller..  Doesn’t really make sense.  You’re screwed if you have infant twins.  At least with the Mountain Buggy you can buy a double carrycot for $250.  A double carrycot is a huge bassinet.  Sure, it’s cute, but kinda crazy expensive.  Still, love the option.

The Mountain Buggy seats recline almost flat.  I put my twins in the stroller at 3 weeks.  They were around 5-6 lbs.  I bought the snuzzler to make the seats more cozy for the girls.  I used the snuzzler in the jogging stroller and the infant car seats since the girls were so tiny.

Bob didn’t recline as flat as the Mountain Buggy.

Last weekend we went out for dinner near Dupont.  The girls passed out around 11 pm.  We reclined the seats and they happily went to bed.  They slept on the metro.  We transferred them from stroller to crib at 1 am.

Ultimately, I had to buy 2 strollers.  We used the double snap-n-go for the car (easy to assemble, super light, infant car seats snap right onto the base of the stroller).  The double snap-n-go sucks ballz.  The girls are around 15 lbs each and I can barely steer the damn thing.  It’s heavy and cumbersome.  But I use it for doctor’s appointments and every outing via car because I have NO other choice.

Will the bitch fit in the trunk?

We have a small 4 door compact.  The Mountain Buggy fit in my hybrid. It folds flat. So it’s still hella wide.  It’s hard to get my arms around.  I can’t get it in my trunk.  I need MPS’ help.  So I never use the Mountain Buggy for outings via car.  By the way, I consider myself to be a strong girl.

Bob weights 33.2 lbs.  Mountain Buggy weighs 36 lbs.

Soon, the girls will be too big for their infant car seats.  My double snap-n-go is going to be useless in a few months.  I need a new car stroller.  A double side-by-side stroller that is super light, sturdy enough for miles of city walking and fits compactly in my trunk.

Any bells and whistles?

My stroller cost $750.  I got it off Craigslist from a twin mom in LA for $300 tops.  No cup holder.  No snack tray.  No rain cover.  Shitty shitty sun shade.  The girls get pissed when the sun shines in their eyes.  There are 2 baskets under the seats.  Literally, no bells and whistles.  The stroller is uber sturdy though. But still, you would think an expensive stroller would offer a cup holder or a decent sun shade/rain cover.

I’m pretty sure the Bob doesn’t offer any special extras either.

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I’m pissed.  2 babies = 3 strollers (Mountain Buggy Urban Duo, Double Snap-n-Go and mystery stroller for the car when the snap-n-go ceases to be useful.)

Would I still buy the Mountain Buggy over the Bob?  Yes.  The width and almost fully flat reclining seats won me over.

Would I still buy the Mountain Buggy?  I don’t know.  I didn’t realize that sun shades are so fucking important.

The reason my lips are so itchy.  The reason my lips have cuts.  The reason my lips are have disintegrated into dry layers. I have eczema on my lips.  I have eczema on my chin.  I have eczema under my nose.  I even have eczema between my fingers.  I’m raw and itchy. I feel nasty.

I told MPS, “I look fucking nasty.  I don’t feel good.  I don’t feel sexy.  How are we supposed to fuck?”

MPS replied, “Do we need to send you and the girls back to California?  Has it reached that level?  Because if I telework 2 days a week, I can fly out to California every week.  At least then I’m guaranteed sex 3 nights a week b/c you don’t have any of these issues in Cali.”  (I really love the way his mind works).  I stopped him from researching flights.

*Sigh*  I would love to move back to Cali but not without my husband.  I spent $150 at CVS buying prescription drugs to treat the eczema.  The drugs aren’t working.  My skin just doesn’t like the weather out here. MPS and I hope that this is our last winter here.  Realistically, I think we’ll have to endure one more winter here (I’m a pessimist).

Every girl has her limits.  My limit is any permanent scars on my face. Color me vain and superficial.  I’m going to keep trying every drug there is to ease the discomfort and prevent any future eczema on the face.  But if nothing works, I may choose to voluntarily live with my in-laws while MPS figures out his work situation in Cali.

While I’m grateful to have options, I’ll be even more grateful when I stop itching.  Please excuse me while I slather my face with steroids, followed by a thick layer of shiny Aquaphor.

So Tubby was hating her greens.  I couldn’t really blame her — they were bland as fuck.  I wouldn’t eat mashed up peas with zero flavor either.   WTF was I going to do?  I’m obsessed with baby nutrition.  I couldn’t have a future sugar fiend on my hands — or worse, a picky eater like MPS.  When Tubby spit out her peas, MPS said, “I don’t blame her.  I wouldn’t eat that…”

*Sigh*

I played the hiding game.  I mixed some peas with apples.  I didn’t feel good about it.  I was masking the deliciousness of veggies with a fruit (freshly pureed organic fruit, but still, fruit).  I felt like shit.   I felt like a failure.  I know, I’m being overly dramatic.

I decided to jazz up the veggies with spices and bring out their flavor.  This week I introduced the girls to broccoli.  I sautéed onions with a sprinkle of olive oil.  Sweated the onions with a dash of turmeric, ginger/garlic paste and panch phoran (bengali five spice — fenugree, nigella, black mustard, fennel and cumin seeds). Added cauliflower and broccoli and browned.  Then put the lid on my pressure cooker and pressure cooked for 8 minutes.  Food processed in my kitchenaid.  The result was a gorgeous green purée (the color or a ripe avacado).

The girls ate all of their veggies and wanted more.  I even loved my sabzi puree.  It was delish.

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!

My body is falling apart here.  I’m a sickly girl on the East Coast.  My allergies are out of control.  My eyes water, my nose sniffles and my sinuses are forever congested.  I’m so pissed that my eye makeup is royally fucked b/c my eyes keep watering.  My asthma is killing me.  I wheeze everyday.  I wake up needing my inaheler.  I just took my advair and my breathing is still difficult.  I sound like Darth Vader when I laugh, my wheeze is that bad.

Remember those Advair commercials?  Someone would be hiking up the steps to a ruin in Peru, get to the top and take a deep breathe of fresh air.  The tag-line would read — Don’t let asthma take your breathe away, let life take your breathe away.

It’s very easy to take breathing for granted.  I miss being able to hike up Runyon Canyon not needing any meds or even a puff of my inhaler.   I miss having a *drug-free* life in Cali.  I didn’t need to take a hundred different kinds of pills and inhalers to live. Sigh.

Of course I have eczema as well.  Eczema has been linked with many other allergic conditions including asthma.  Lucky me, I have the triumvirate — allergies, asthma and eczema.  My skin was glowy, moist and soft in Cali.  Here, I am so itchy and dry.  I have eczema on my fingers — little bumps of itchiness.  My fingers are currently raw and semi-bloody.  It’s disgusting.  My face is so dry that I can’t wash it with even water.  I’m using Cetaphil to cleanse my face (I rub it on and rub it off without adding any water).  I have 2 inches of moisturizer on my face.  My lips are so cracked that they are bloody (I’ve used almost every possible lip balm, ointment and medication to stop the pain).  Kissing MPS hurts. Let me say it again, kissing MPS hurts. Forget using lips for any other fun activity.  Yup, definitely can’t suck shit with lips this dry, cracked and raw.

I am not just having an emotional reaction to DC, I am having a horrible physical reaction.  I used to be this miserable all the fucking time when I lived in CT.  This isn’t life.  I shouldn’t have to suffer, especially when there’s a solution.

MPS said to me, “Maybe you should move back to Cali with the girls for now until I can join you.”  Of course I’m not taking him up on the offer.  I can’t separate Tubs and Bubs or ME from MPS.  MPS and I have a solid plan on how to get back to Cali.  I just have to stop being afraid that something will prevent us from moving.  Fear can be so all consuming.  Ridic.  Let me repeat the mantra – I’m going going, back back, to Cali Cali in 1-2 years, maybe sooner.

I’m obsessed with baby nutrition. I can google that shit all day long.  Well, not all day long.  I could read erotic fiction all day long.  But, I can research baby food for almost as long as I can enjoy erotic fiction.  That says a lot, no?

I hate Gerber Organic — semi-nasty.  Earth’s Best is alright (Tubby won’t eat the green beans or peas and I don’t blame her b/c it’s nasty).  So I ordered Sprout — gourmetish organic baby food made by Food TV’s Tyler Florence.  The green beans and peas with a dash of mint was delish.  The girls agreed.

But I decided that I could make homemade baby food that’s organic, hella tasty and affordable all on my own.

For a moment let’s ponder whether organic is truly better.  Honestly, I don’t know.  But, organic food tastes better (to me) and makes me feel better (emotionally).  So yes, I will spend my money on organic.  I have been green-brain-washed and am semi-proud.

Items purchased (no waste here):

• Fagor 6 qt. pressure cooker.  Pressure cooker cooks veggies in less than 5 minutes with 1/2 cup of water or less!!  Talk about energy-efficient.  And no, a pressure cooker will not explode on you unless you’re a stupid twat.  I cooked the veggies for 5 minutes so it’s crazy soft.  When the girls can chomp away with ittle bittle teeth, I can use my pressure cooker to cook up lentils (dal), steam veggies and cook tough meats in half the time.  Pressure cooker is good for baby and good for me and MPS.  BEABA sells a baby food maker (tiny steamer that also blends) for $150.  Steaming takes longer than pressure cooking with no added nutritional benefit.  WTF do you do with a BEABA when your baby doesn’t need baby food anymore?  Yeah, you’re stuck with a useless gadget.  Stupid.  Mult-function is my middle name, pressure cooker is the epitome of multi-function.
• 2 OXO ice cub trays with cover.  Fucking loves it.  The frozen baby food pops out of this ice-cube tray with a snap of the wrist!  If you want to burn cash, you can opt for the BEABA multiportion freezer tray.  Sure, the BEABA comes in funky colors and is super cute.  But why would I spent $20 bucks for BEABA when OXO ice-cube trays are like $4??? Stupid.

I am inherently a lazy person.  I promise, making home-made baby food is easy and fun (okay fun for me).  I bought organic sweet potatoes, green and yellow zucchini, carrots and peas.  Pressure cooked that shit (separately per group of vegetables).  The veggies came out smooshy.  My little ones are barely 6 months so I ran the food through my mini KitchenAid though I really didn’t have to, the veggies were that soft.  Froze the baby food in ice-cube trays.  Popped out the food after it froze and stored in freezer bags.  I have enough baby food for one month (at least) for my twins.

I did a lot of research.  I spent oodles of hours coming up with the best way to feed my babies.  I recommend either ordering sprout organic on diapers.com or make your own shit.

I’m amused that I wrote an entire post about baby food when my intentions were to write a post about spunk (sperm + sex funk).  Laughing like a hyena over here…  Times have changed a bit.

First, Happy B-day to my girls.  They turn 6 months today.  They’re little animals.

I am dying to go back to work.  Seriously, how many times can I play with an orange giraffe?

What an agonizing decision.  MPS was no help. He said, “I support you in whatever decision you make.”  That means this was my decision to make and live with.

I cried a lot.  I yelled at MPS like a lunatic.  I always planned on returning to the workforce, it was a matter of when.  An opportunity presented itself.  I wasn’t even looking for a job.   The job is with a cool federal agency doing cool shit.

I love my babies so much.  But honestly, I don’t know if I’m cut out for full-time mamma bear.  Many working moms have said to me, “I had to leave the house.  I was going insane.” I never felt that way.   Tubby and Bubby are just about 6 months old.  I’m not dying to leave them, but I’m itching to go back to work.

I called my new agency yesterday and said, “Yes.”  They’re paying me more than I have ever made.  It excites me to make my own salary again!  MPS and I have all joint accounts.  While I know that his money is mine, it really isn’t. MPS has never made me feel like a second class citizen b/c he works outside of the house.  Instead, he has celebrated my role as a full-time mommy.  But still, I really like having my own salary.  I like being an independent woman.  I’m looking forward to being intellectually stimulated and making a real difference.

The job starts mid-February.  We’re going the nanny route.  I think I’ve found a Bengali woman who is semi-related to me.  My MIL will come out for 4 weeks to observe the nanny.  I’m feeling comfortable with my decision.

If I hate the job, I’ll quit.  If I miss the babies so much that I just can’t deal, I’ll quit.   Is this the best decision for me and my family??  I don’t know.  I have options and I’m exercising them.

I had just arrived to Amsterdam.

I heard someone calling in a heavy Indian accent, “Miss!  Miss!”  I looked around and gathered that he was trying to get my attention.  He followed me into a coffee shop.  My senses were impaired.  I told him I didn’t really believe in hocus pocus.  He replied, “I will give you proof.”  He gave me a piece of paper and asked me to write 3 things:  my name, date of birth and what  my heart currently wanted.  He told me he already knew my answers without reading them.  He scribbled his answers onto a piece of paper.  Question #1:  Correct.  The name I go by is not my legal name, it’s what my family has always called me.  Question #2:  Correct.  Including month, date and year.  Question #3:  Correct.  He wrote, “baby.”  I was partly in Amsterdam to recover from my most recent miscarriage.  He then told me that bad energy was following me and he would remove it.  He placed a red string in my palm and closed my fist.  He did magic.  I opened my palm and the red thread was almost black.  He told me, “You will have 2 babies in 2009 and they will be the best babies.  These were the children you were meant to have and not the previous 3.  [So he knew I had 3 miscarriages???]  You will lead a fortunate life and never want for anything.  You are very lucky.”

I was confused but didn’t really believe the dude.

My friend AK in SF asked a psychic, on my behalf the following regarding my work/family issue:

I had an interview on Friday for what seemed like a cool job for a cool federal agency.  I had applied for a few jobs when we first moved here and then I stopped.

The interview went well.  They’re calling up my references.  It was fabulous having a real adult conversation about professional things.

BUT…

I feel like a bad mother leaving my kids at daycare or with a nanny.  I know I sound crazy by even typing that!  I am scared about missing out.  Right now, I don’t miss any moments.  I saw Tubby push her first buttons on a tiny piano.  She figured it out on her own!  I know everything about my girls.  The girls are bright and happy.  What if they stop being bright and happy if I work?  What if the child care provider doesn’t snuggle and love my girls as much?  What if the child care provider doesn’t use gentle discipline?  What if my girls prefer child care over me? I know, crazy all over again.  My fears are crazy!  But they are real fears to me.

But, a cool opportunity may present itself.  Do I give it up b/c of the fears I have created in my head?  Will I enjoy working more over  just being a mom?  I don’t know.

If the Department of — called me right now and offered me the position, I’m not sure what I would say. I think I’m leaning on taking the job.  Did I just type that?  Fuck me, I don’t know.    I haven’t even researched child care providers!!!  MPS thinks I should have an answer ready.  He simply doesn’t understand that this is a very emotional decision for me.  My heart is hurting as I type up this blog post with Tubby sitting on my lap eating her hand.