I moved to DC for a boy.  I have him.  He’s mine.  All mine.  Yet all I do is….

What does that say about me?  I’m an ungrateful twat??  A boy loves me, wholly and completely.  His love is perfect. He satisfies my soul. Sometimes I think that no matter what happens in this life, I will never be wholly and completely happy.

***This post was inspired by a blogger turned IRL friend’s blog post.

A blogger turned facebook friend asked me if it’s DC that I really hate.  Or is it this time…. this situation.

Hard question.

I associate everything bad with the East Coast.  When I was 24 years old, I booked a one way ticket to San Franciso trying to leave my past behind me.  I was going to be a different person, a stronger one.  I found myself in Cali… as hippie dippy as that sounds.

In some ways I should be happier here.  I have 2 adorable twins (even though they were born in West Hollywood) and my husband is home every night around 6:15 pm versus 12 am, 1 am, 2 am, 3 am or not home at all.  My family has oodles of time together.  We have a lovely apartment.  I have the luxury of not working and staying home with my girls.

But it’s not enough.

I chose to have children (years of fertility issues followed by IVF) in Los Angeles, specifically (I wouldn’t have had kids out here ALONE).  We bought our penthouse with enough rooms for the future babies.  My mom and brother were in Cali – a 45 minute flight away   I made a remarkable network of friends, the ride and die kind.  Everything was set.  I had the life I wanted (minus the husband working crazy hours b/c he chose to).

And then I left my beautiful house, the sunshine, my family and my friends with 6 week old infants.  And we moved to the cold where I have barely any friends (trying to make a social life with 2 babies is trying), zero family and so much less sunshine. I am resentful of my current situation.

DC is better than a good majority of the country — we drove across the country, trust me I know this.   DC isn’t hell.  I don’t think DC compares to California’s physical beauty.  I don’t give a shit about 4 seasons — I’m really only interested in one season, the warm one.  Do all the people here suck?  Absolutely not.  There’s definitely cool peeps to be found.  But I miss the general chill vibe of LA where lifestyle trumps career. I’m positive I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD).  I have no doubt that I’d be happier if I lived in a sunny beach community verus here (even without the family and friends).

Here’s the whine — I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE.  This is not where I choose to spend my life.  And if I knew that for sure on a certain date we were going to move back, it would be easier.   MPS deals with my bitchiness and constant complaining on a daily basis.  He loves  me more than anything and I know he’s working very hard on relocating us.  But it’s the waiting that’s driving me crazy. Right now it looks like we may jump to NYC in 2 years.  And the fear that maybe just maybe we won’t move back that makes me hysterical.

I feel like I’m in limbo, waiting for my judgement.  Is it crazy?  Sure, maybe.  But I am psychotically passionate.  I have strong convictions.  I knew I was going to marry MPS after our first conversation.  When I stepped off of the plane in San Jose airport in May 2004, I knew I was home.

This isn’t home.  My heart isn’t rooted here.  No amount of mediation or positive thinking is going to change that.  The healthy attitude would be to just chill the fuck out and have faith in myself and MPS that we will move back home.  But as my long time readers know, I lack faith and patience isn’t a virtue I possess.

Today was one of those days that I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out.

I’ve had help for almost 2 weeks and Bubby has gotten used to it.  Bubby is my little monster.  She cries and screams until she gets her way.  But the in-laws were here and there was an able body willing to hold her and walk with her.  Bubby thinks she’s an only child, clearly.

But the in-laws left today….

Bubby screamed her head off the moment I put her down.  I basically did head stands just to keep her entertained.  But poor poor Tubby.  Since she’s the good girl, she barely got held.  Tubby started crying softly for milk.  I put Bubby down and she started SCREAMING.  I couldn’t let Tubby go hungry.  So I put Bubby in the swing while I fed Tubby.  Bubby was okay for 2 minutes and then the WAILING started.  I felt awful.  Just awful.  I can’t do “cry it out” thing.

If Bubby keeps this up, I just don’t know what I’m going to do.  How do I take care of 2 babies when one wants to be constantly held?

Today was the most difficult day I’ve had taking care of twins.

I am absolutely done having children.  No more babies are coming out of me.  I’m thinking of going the IUD route.

Notice how Americans (natural born) don’t seem to love the U S of A as much as foreigners?  The naturalized citizen just seems to appreciate more.

That’s how I feel about California.

MPS misses Cali like crazy but not as much as I do.  That’s b/c I spent 24 years in Connecticut while he got all hyphy in Berkeley.

So MPS doesn’t work 100+ hours anymore.  He works 40.  He doesn’t chug caffeine like crazy.  Monday night he said, “Baby, I’m tired, mind if I go to bed?”  I said, “Fine.”  But I was PISSED.  I couldn’t go to bed until the babies were ready for bed — they pass out near midnight b/c they are night owls like mommy.  Anyhow, I wasn’t mad that he didn’t stay up to help with the girls.  MPS is awesome about that shit.  I was pissed that he was going to bed b/c that meant no sex.  I was fucking pissed.

Last night he stayed up late.  I was still pissy.  I need penis every night.  I told him snottily, “No, go ahead and sleep.”  He is not a stupid man and replied, “No.  I need to have you.”  This morning we both woke up exhausted from staying up late and playing.

I’m such a little snot…. But seriously, if you can stay up late for Corporate America you best stay up for my pussy.

Why can’t there be zero drama between families during the holidays?

The in-laws were here for T-day and it was actually pretty awesome.  Yes, awesome.   I don’t know when it happened but I like my in-laws.  We’re  currently all downing wine.  The MPS family is a tight knit clan, loving and fiercely loyal.  I can definitely say that I am accepted and loved by all parties.  So all good in the hood…

But there’s drama between LB (little bro) and MPS.  MPS currently hates LB.  LB is my little brother, my only sibling.  I love him like crazy.  MPS is a very even tempered guy.  I see why he’s angry with LB. I just don’t know what to do about it.  MPS said today, “Let’s modify our trust so that if we die the succession of trustees will be my brother, your bff (PB) followed by your brother.”  My brother is currently #2 to take care of the kids if we die. *Sigh*

Fuck.  I just don’t know what to do.  My brother can be really fucking cranky and say things that are inappropriate to MPS (for fuck’s sake LB made one of my best friend’s cry).  I definitely get that LB has said disrespectful things to MPS in the past.  Obviously, that can’t be happening.  MPS isn’t looking forward to LB’s 2 week visit.  I really want them to get along.  These are 2 of the most important men in my life.

Fuck.  Fuck. Fuck.  LB really needs to behave himself during this visit.  This is stressing me out so much.  I’m done with this post….

I need to call my mommy.

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I’m back.  I’m still stressed.  LB can be so awesome and loving.  He loves his nieces so much.  I need to pick up the phone and have a conversation with him.  But how much do I say?  Do I tell him “Look MPS hates you.”  I need more wine.  I need for LB and MPS to love each other.

What’s there to blog about when I fucking hate DC?

I went on a 25 mile bike ride yesterday (burning off T-day calories) and it hailed on me.  Yes, hail.

MPS and I had an “oh shit” moment on Sunday night.  The condom broke.  The condom didn’t break a little.  It exploded.  This is my first experience EVER with a condom breaking.  Obviously I know that condoms can break, I didn’t think they actually do break.  And I thought we were doing awesome not using withdrawal as our only form of birth control.

I had no idea the condom broke.  MPS wasn’t as shocked as me and sheepishly said, “Well, I thought maybe it did b/c all of sudden it started feeling really amazing (he’s not pro-condom, but he’s even more anti-BCP b/c I become a raving lunatic on BCP). “

There’s no way I could handle another baby.  Could you imagine 3 babies under the age of 16 months???  Absolute horror…

I asked MPS, “Should I take the morning after pill?”  His response was, “It was only one time.   Let’s wing it!”  Thankfully, we aren’t 16 year olds having sex and my life is not an ABC afternoon special.  MPS and I have a very relaxed approach to birth control.  It was hard getting pregnant and staying pregnant with Tubby and Bubby.  I definitely feel like I have natural birth control.  But, I did get pregnant once without fertility drugs.  So my body can ovulate on its own.  I could get pregnant.  Many times a successful pregnancy can fix any fertility issues.  If we keep shit like this up, Chubby will be on his or her way.

Luckily my first period post baby showed up yesterday.

***I like the idea of 3 or 4 kids.  MPS wants a third baby hardcore.  I think I’m losing by mind by even typing this.  I don’t want a minivan…

I’m ready and waiting for MPS’ arrival.

This is a bonafide bitchfest.

I hate the rain.  I hate the cold. I hate not being able to go outside on a 5 mile stroller walk everyday b/c of the fuggin’ weather.

The babies are adorable but they’re screwing up my sex life.  They don’t like to go to bed and start screaming when mommy and daddy get freaky.  I’m not having sex everyday.  I’m not orgasming everyday.  3-4 times a week is NOT cool.  I don’t know how to remedy this situation.

My vagina sucks.  I haven’t had time to pluck.  I can’t tend to my pussy b/c the girls are so damn needy and clingy.  All I want is a few hours to myself where I can pluck every individual hair off the va-ja-ja. My bush is out of control…

I don’t remember the last time I was able to finish a novel!  I miss reading.  I miss going out on the town.  I miss life pre-babies.

Damnit, I need my mom so that MPS and I have a night off from parenting.

And I miss Los Angeles, desperately.  I may have seasonal affective disorder.  *Sigh*  I hate Prozac — it’s so hard for me to cum while on Prozac due to delayed orgasm (a side effect of the drug).

***Aren’t I a stupid bitch?  If some chick who is doing IVF reads my blog she is going to want to punch me really hard in the ovaries.