My poor Tub-Tub.  In utero she was squished in one position (this really is one of the many difficulties of a twin pregnancy).  She came out with her head tilting to the left and facing to the right — so Tubby has mild infant torticollis.  So now her left shoulder is super tight.  Her head and Bubby’s are also on the flatter side.  And to make matters worse, Tubby’s cheeks are so big that she has a rash on her neck.  My poor baby.

Solutions:

1. Rash:  Calendula cream by Weleda or California Baby is my favorite.  I shop at Whole Foods for organic goods for my little ones.  I don’t care if it cost more… I feel better about it.   I wash her face with water, dry her face so her skin is bone dry, apply Calendula, follow-up with Aquaphor and then a little bit of Talc Free powder (I’m diggin’ Burt’s Bees Baby Powder).  The red bumps are going away.  Calendula cream is great for any skin irritation.
2. Flat Head:  So they sleep on their backs at night b/c it’s been hammered into my head by the pediatrician, American Academy of Pediatrics, and every baby book in the world that my girls will die in their sleep otherwise.  My babies came out a month early and all they did for the longest time was sleep and the back of their heads got flatter and flatter.  During the day they sleep on their tummies (yes I’m disobeying the American Academy of Pediatrics).  I’m watching them.  I check to make sure they’re breathing every five to ten minutes — I’m a freak.  After they eat, I give them 30 minutes to an hour to digest and then flip them on their bellies.  They wail, especially Bubby.  I try to make it as fun as possible.  When they start getting fussy, I roll them over, telling them what I’m doing and play for a few minutes.  I keep doing this (tummy time and flipping them over) until they’re about to bitch slap me.  Otherwise, I basically never let them lie down with their heads flat — I prop them up on pillows, put them in the Bumbo seats, carry them, sling one up or go for a walk in the stroller with the seats in the upright position.  I freaked out about the flat head issue so much that I scolded my in-laws every time they held a baby with her head laying down flat.  My psychoticness worked — both Tubby’s and Bubby’s head are rounding out.
3. Infant Torticollis:  I have a physical therapist that comes to my house.  I understand that I’m on overkill mode right now.  When it comes to my girls I’m a fucking lunatic.  We’re also having someone come to the house to do infant massage and I may look into baby acupuncture. ***I’d say definitely get a physical therapist if ya can afford it for torticollis*** I was given mommy homework: (a)  Carry Tubby in a sling position so her LEFT neck rests on my LEFT forearm with my forearm between Tubby’s shoulders so that I stretch out her neck muscles; (b) When Tubby is sitting up with my assistance, I straighten out her head.  But she instinctively tightens her neck muscles and her left shoulder goes up.  I need to help her relax the neck muscles and simultaneously keep her left shoulder down.

On the plus side, Tubby has excellent fine motor skills and the physical therapist said, “I’m so glad I get to work with your baby, she really is the cutest baby ever.”  So high marks on cuteness!

Bubby is doing much better.  She has acid reflux and takes baby Zantac.  She splays her legs out like a frog and has a hard time pushing herself up.  The physical therapist recommended pushing her legs together with her hips down passively while she sleeps.  Her fine motor skills are not as good as her sister.  So I was told to help her manipulate toys so she has more manual dexterity.

I’m feeling all sorts of overwhelmed.  I was told to chill out.  But I seriously can’t.  How can I — my poor baby has issues!

DC has a lot of cool shit for the little ones.  Like the National Santa.  I’m not sure if he’s officially the National Santa, but he’s a hop away from the White House and right near the National Christmas Tree.  We took the girls to Santa’s workshop.  The elves were sleeping.  The workshop was very authentic and pretty awesome  (I like Disney movies and cartoons in general so kiddie things excite me).  Anyhow, the girls took their first pic with Santa Claus.  All of this was free, pic included.  Screw the mall Santa — my babies got to meet the National Santa!  Afterwards, we looked at the monuments at night.  I’ll admit it, the monuments are super pretty all lit up at night. I had a good time while freezing my buns off and getting hailed on again… yes a good time in DC!

Today was one of those days that I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out.

I’ve had help for almost 2 weeks and Bubby has gotten used to it.  Bubby is my little monster.  She cries and screams until she gets her way.  But the in-laws were here and there was an able body willing to hold her and walk with her.  Bubby thinks she’s an only child, clearly.

But the in-laws left today….

Bubby screamed her head off the moment I put her down.  I basically did head stands just to keep her entertained.  But poor poor Tubby.  Since she’s the good girl, she barely got held.  Tubby started crying softly for milk.  I put Bubby down and she started SCREAMING.  I couldn’t let Tubby go hungry.  So I put Bubby in the swing while I fed Tubby.  Bubby was okay for 2 minutes and then the WAILING started.  I felt awful.  Just awful.  I can’t do “cry it out” thing.

If Bubby keeps this up, I just don’t know what I’m going to do.  How do I take care of 2 babies when one wants to be constantly held?

Today was the most difficult day I’ve had taking care of twins.

I am absolutely done having children.  No more babies are coming out of me.  I’m thinking of going the IUD route.

MPS and I were out shopping for warm clothes, as we have none.  The girls were in their double jogging stroller.  Of course the girls were spitting up, it’s what they do best, and I bent over them cleaning up the mess.  2 ladies ooh and aah over the girls.

Lady 1:  They are so beautiful!  You’re a lucky dad!!

MPS:  Thank you.

Lady 2:  How old are they?

Me:  3 months

Lady 1:  Wait, they’re yours? [directing the question to me]

Me:  Uhmmmm.. yeah.

Lady 1 to Lady 2:  Oh, she is the mom….

Lady 2:  Oh [Look of shock]

WTF??? I was standing right next to MPS.  MPS doesn’t look older than me.  I was cleaning up milk spit up.  Why would I be doing that if I wasn’t the mom???  Tubby looks just like me for gawd’s sake.  People being shocked that the girls are mine is getting super old.

Everyday, someone asks me if I’m the mother.  Every fucking day.  Do I dress like a nanny in my skinny Lucky jeans and Ugs?  Seriously, every fucking day.  Ridic.

My vagina hurts all the time.  All the time.  I have to walk gingerly.  I have a 4 poster bed that’s pretty high and it’s an obstacle course trying to get on the bed.  After standing for prolonged periods of time, like a shower, I hold my vagina in pain and crawl onto the couch.  Peeing scares the crap out of me.  After I pee, everything burns and then just aches.  Sometimes even small movement will cause me to feel every stitch.  I can’t really explain what that feels like — it’s just not a good thing.

Not moving is best.  Not peeing is best.  Well that’s pretty impossible since I have twins to take care of and don’t want my bladder to explode.

The only things helping me are:

1. B/c my mom is here and MPS, I don’t have to move around as much.  But still I hate it.  I want to take care of my girls and be my old self.  But I can’t.  I know the help is a good thing, I just want to do it all on my own.
2. My mom makes all my meals.  I don’t have to worry about feeding me.
3. Peeing while squatting and not sitting down.  The pee falls in one stream and doesn’t get near the vag hole.  Afterwards, I squirt the whole area with warm water.  I follow up with a numbing spray.

By the way, they tell you that you’ll forget the pain of labor like amnesia.  BULLSHIT.  I don’t want anymore babies.  Sorry Chubby, but this mamma bear is done.

The in-laws arrived yesterday and showered us with gifts.  So far I’ve gotten diamonds, gold, pearls and silver cups & spoons for my gaping vag wound.  I find that intensely funny.

Milk.  Milk.  Milk.  I feel like a prisoner.  A cow prisoner.  I now have sympathy for dairy cows.

I detest breastfeeding and I feel like shit for saying that.  Don’t get me wrong, it fills me with joy that my babies are getting nourishment from me (the best kind of nourishment).  But I am exhausted.  On the plus side, I’ve been told that breastfeeding feels like sticking your breast in a meat grinder, but I haven’t had that problem.  My breasts are fine.  I use Earth Mama Angel Baby Nipple Butter — it’s organic and you don’t have to wipe it off before a feeding (available at Whole Foods).  The nipples are not chapped or bleeding.

Here’s my schedule:

• Breastfeed on demand but do not let the girls miss a 3 hour feeding.  Let them suckle the breast to their heart’s content.  Well that shit didn’t work.  They latched on great but weren’t drinking enough, they kept dozing off .  Now I give them 5 minutes to practice sucking tandem.  They’re preemies and just don’t have the energy to expend sucking on my breast but they need the practice.  Tandem breastfeeding is not easy.  I have to latch one baby onto one breast and then need assistance to latch on the second baby.
• Feed each baby expressed milk.  This can take 20  – 40 minutes per baby.  Spit ups happen.  Then I need to burp.  Bubby likes to take breaks and drink at a leisurely pace.
• Express milk for 45 minutes on my hospital grade Medela pump.  We rented the pump for one month from the hospital for $90.

Feeding twins every 3 hours is hard enough.  Add putting the girls on the breast, following up with a bottle and expressing milk and it makes me want to cry.  I’m so tired all the time.  EXHAUSTED.

We rented the pump for a month.  I’m committed for a month.  How am I supposed to maintain this when MPS’ paternity leave is over and my mom isn’t around???? How am I supposed to keep this up driving across the country with the girls and doing this on my own on the East Coast with zero help????  MPS is for me giving up the BF after one month and switching to formula.  It fills me with guilt.  Why should it?  Millions of people were formula fed — I was and so was MPS.  But still BF is the gold standard and I feel like I’m failing already as a mother.