It’s not situational, based on the type of job.  Some people simply just are.

Me:  Stop it

MPS:  What

[30 seconds]

Me:  Stop it

MPS:  [laughs]

Me:  I know what you’re doing.  I feel you resisting…

This is why withdrawal just doesn’t work.

1) I love grocery stores.  Like obsessed.  I like to walk up and down every aisle of the grocery store.  I don’t want to miss a thing!  Last night I went to the grocery store at 2:30 am and spent 2 hours.  I have a problem.

2) I have a thing for fiber.  Everything I eat needs to have fiber in it.  Fiber is my friend.  Fiber One 100% whole wheat english muffins are my new obsession.  100 calories. 5 grams of protein.  6 grams of dietary fiber.  It’s fluffy and decadent.  Did I mention it’s only a 100 calories???

I’m feeling very punchy today from sleep deprivation, it may explain this post a bit.

See, I am trying to be positive.

My stroller is my salvation.  Seriously.  I am in love with my MBUD (Mountain Buggy Urban Double Stroller).  It’s ridiculously expensive and worth every penny.  It’s perfect for hiking, jogging, city pushing and it’s easy as hell to steer.  I can even push it with one hand.  However, it’s hella heavy. So incredibly heavy that I couldn’t put it in my trunk yesterday.  A stranger saw me struggling and offered to help.  The stroller is also HUGE, barely fits into my trunk (and yes I refuse to buy a minivan or SUV).

I also have one of those double snap and go strollers — you snap the car seats into the stroller.  It sucks.  Even though it’s lightweight, it’s impossible to maneuver.  I’m constantly bumping into shit.

With twins, the best way to get around is public transportation — the metro.  I just stick the girls in my MBUD and we’re off.  LA’s subway system is a joke.

I am not blogging much b/c I’m exhausted.  Bubby thinks night is day.  I am up with her all fucking night long. I’ve been going to bed at 6:30 am.  Tubby is on the right schedule and wakes up at 7 am.  My life is sleep deprived hell.  All I do is drink coffee day and night.  Naps really don’t help.  I’m dreaming of 4 hours of sleep straight.

I decided that if I’m going to do the stay at home mom thing I should make it fun as possible and stop sulking.  So the girls and I are constantly out of the house.  Today we’re meeting other babies and moms (part of me is rolling my eyes at this).  I joined a book club and a bicycling group.  I’ve started reaching out to the few peeps I know in the area.

I’m still hating every minute of DC, BUT I am making an effort to be social.

I won’t say I’m 100%, I will say that things are better. 

My 30th b-day didn’t end up being a wash.  It just wasn’t what I had imagined.  I was without my friends, family (mom, LB) and my City.  It was one of those days that I just hated everyone and everything.  I couldn’t find an ounce of gratitude for anything. 

Now, I’m in North Carolina, at my br0-in-law’s place for a visit.  MPS is sleeping with Bubby on his chest.  I’m typing with Tubby in a sling (Moby wrap).  Life isn’t awful. 

The only time I don’t feel like I’m drifting alone during this transcontinental trip is when I’m holding a baby.  They are just ridiculously adorable.  Tubby’s face is just eyes — huge huge eyes that are most likely going to be green like her daddy’s.  Bubby’s lower lip puckers out.  When she makes the sad face, it breaks my heart in a good way.  It feels good to love these babies so much. 

So I have MPS and 2 gorgeous babies.  I’m living in DC and that’s better than the states we traveled through.  MPS is applying to jobs outside of DC already.  I have to deal with the fact that  my hair will be frizzy from the humidity, I’ll need a winter coat for a good part of the year (no more mini-skirts & Ugs during the Winter) and I have to make new friends. 

None of this is ideal.  But maybe it’s time I rekindled my adventurous spirit.  This won’t be forever, but this is the now.  I won’t stop bitching but I’m starting to find some gratitude.

I’m most likely going to create a new anon blog.  I need to be able to express myself completely and totally freely.  If and when I decide to shut this blog down, there will not be a forwarding link, I will say goodbye though.

Did I mention that I HATE MY LIFE?????  Yes, I’m an extremist.  But at least I am always true to my feelings.  In this moment I detest my life.  I hate that I can’t write everything I want to in this space.  This space is no longer free for me.

Things are not right.  I find myself smelling my vagina often.  It was smelling a bit like garbage.  Yup, garbage.  I ignored it, thinking, oh no, this smell is not coming from me.  I had to confront the issue yesterday.  Today is my 6 week postpartum checkup with the OBGYN and I couldn’t just go to my doc’s office, put my vagina in front of him and say, “pardon, is it me or do I smell like garbage?”

Last night I said to MPS, “do I smell like garbage.”  He thought I just about lost my mind.  I told him he needed to sniff.  He wrinkled his nose and said, “Yes, that’s definitely garbage.” Oh BeJesus, he confirmed my worst fear.

I didn’t want to face my vagina.  I don’t really know her.  I kept thinking about how she looked after delivery — I mean she was fucking huge.  My vagina was like a watermelon.  She scared the shit out of me.  So now, I’m still afraid of her.  I only take side way glances at the punan.

I had to get in there.  I left MPS with the babies and I spent over an hour in the bathroom.  I took off every bit of hair (from undercarriage and all).  I explored her, I got super bloody but I had to rediscover the vagina.  I crossed my fingers and hoped that I did not have another infection.

MPS and I later hooked up.  Garbagbe doesn’t scare this man… who is he???

When my water broke my belly went down.  When Tubby & Bubby popped out with blood gushing everywhere (all over the OBGYN and me) my belly almost disappeared.

My uterus is slowly moving down everyday.  I feel like my body is almost back.  Breastfeeding is sucking the life out of me, literally.  I looked at my thighs the other day and they just looked too thin.  So breastfeeding definitely burns calories, I need to up mine to continue being a fucking milk producing cow.  I hope that line down the middle of my belly disappears fast.  I was lucky to not get any stretch marks.

Day of labor:

7 days after giving birth (side view):

7 days after giving birth with huge milk filled boobs (front view):

How I stayed fit during pregnancy and lost the weight fast:

• I was in kick ass shape before I got pregnant — hiked several times a week, lifted weights & ate nutritious foods.
• Worked out almost the entire pregnancy.  This was hard b/c with twins my cervix started shortening and I didn’t want to go into labor before the girls were ready.  I had to take an entire month off from working out.  I never pushed myself, got out of breathe or sweated like crazy.  I’d go on slow slow slow hikes.  I’d do the elliptical for 45-60 minutes a few times a week at snail’s pace.  I kept my muscles in shape by lifting light weights once a week.  I tried to do Pilates once a week for as long as I could.
• I didn’t give into my cravings.  I had a lot of them.  I would take bites out of decadent food or allow myself a treat a day.  I constantly asked myself — is this food entering my mouth to fulfill my cravings or feed my babies with nutrition??  I stuck with lean protein, fresh fruit, and fresh produce.
• Breastfeeding is helping my uterus go back down.  Everyday that little pouch moves down and my belly becomes more flat.  I can’t workout right now b/c my vagina is a gaping wound and it even hurts to sit.  I”m drinking lots of water.  Eating fresh foods.  Breastfeeding is my workout — I’m totally exhausted after each feeding, it’s my cardio.

I don’t know what to say — birth was traumatic.

Labor

After my water was broken, I took a big ass crap.  Thank gawd.  I was so nervous about spewing poo while pushing.  Anyhow, after this bowel movement the contractions started.  At first, I was like I can do this.  This is fine.  And then they started taking my breathe away.  The pain became so intense I couldn’t breathe through it and had an asthma attack.  I refused to get an epidural.  MPS was freaking.  The contractions got so close together that the pain became unbearable.  I lost all will power and demanded an epidural immediately.  I didn’t even feel the epidural going in.  The epidural was my salvation.  But the pain was so intense, that even though I didn’t feel it, my body started shaking like crazy with teeth chattering.

I was dilated to 10 cm in no time.  Seriously.  Once this shit started, there was no stopping it.

I was rolled into the OR.  There were mad people everywhere.  I mean mad people.  A team for each baby.  Tubby came fast.  She was already at the bottom.  Orgasmic childbirth my asshole.  Her head came out and the pressure was anything but enjoyable.  MPS was amazing in his little scrubs.  He petted her little fuzzy head.  He’s not traumatized or scared of my vagina.

Bubby came an entire hour later.  I really had no strength.  I wasn’t allowed to eat for 24 hours.  I was so thirsty.  She kept being sucked into my vagina.  My doctor asked if he needed to vacuum her out.  I said fuck no to that.  I found the strength I needed and pushed her out.  Poor thing came out all bruised on the forehead and over her right eye.

I tore.  My vagina is a gaping wound.  I felt every stitch as I was sewed up.  Then my placenta wouldn’t fall out.  My doc stuck his huge ass arm up inside of me to pull it out, literally  his elbow was inside of me.  I SCREAMED so loud that LB and friends in post partum room heard me.  MPS was scared out of his mind with that scream.  My stitches tore.  I had to sewed back up.

Postpartum

Only .07% of women get postpartum bladder retention.  Meaning I couldn’t pee.  Like I said, my vagina was a gaping wound and I had to be catheterized b/c my bladder was ready to explode.  I had 1600 mL of fluid drained about 2 times.  After 2 days, I still couldn’t pee.  My doc kept me in the hospital an extra day.

I was emotionally drained.  I couldn’t even get up out of bed b/c everything hurt so bad.  I couldn’t take care of my girls.  MPS did everything.  When the nurse had to re-cathertize me, I lost it.  It wouldn’t go in.  I started bawling.

Then my doc said I may have to go home and catheterize myself.  I lost it again.  I asked my doc, “what can I do to help my bladder fix itself.”  He said, “nothing, just wait.”  I imagined the worst — never being able to pee on my own again.

Doctors are stupid.  The nurse on my last night came in and said — walk and pee.  Stand up over toilet after walking and pee will come.  The pee did come.  I re-trained my bladder — it took about 2 extra days.  She rocked.

The Girls

Absolutely gorgeous.  I can’t take my eyes off of them.  They were little tiny 4 pounders.  They are sooooo strong, they never spent a second in the NICU and came home with me after I was discharged.   I think the entire maternity ward fell in love with my girls.  Docs came in and said, “can we see them, the nurses have been telling us they are the most adorable babies.”  Seriously, off the fuckin’ hook ridiculously adorable.  I could eat them.

MPS and I instantly fell in love with them.  It’s nice having 2, we don’t have to share or take turns holding a baby. We just stare at them.

I can’t believe babies came out of me.  We created life together.  That’s just intense.  I keep having nightmares every night that something happens to one of them — they fall and get hurt.  I wake up in a panic.

We are joyfully exhausted.  Now I need a nap.  More to come on how much I am detesting breastfeeding and feel like a fucking cow.  All I do is pump and pump and pump and pump.  My life is pumping.

My doc has fat fat fat fingers.  My vagina doesn’t appreciate his fat fingers.  So I’m still 2 cm dilated but Tubby’s head was down lower.  He stuck this medieval torture device (looked like a crochet needle — think back alley abortion) and broke my water.  A gush of warm water came out.  It felt kinda good.  But I definitely feel like I need a shower.  He then tried to stick an thing-a-majig on tubby’s head through the who-ha and that shit hurt.  It didn’t freaken work.  Fat fingers tried again.  It still didn’t work. My vag is displeased.

So now I’m lying here feeling all wet and nastorama.  My contractions are still pretty chill.  I’ll be PISSED if this ends up in C-section after all of this waiting.